Mid-week I start to look forward to my yoga class. Sunday yoga is an hour and a half of mentally trying to figure out what my body is supposed to do and then letting go of that to allow my body to move. It’s a contradiction I enjoy.
It’s “me” time. It’s something I look forward to without expectation, value, judgement, or uncertainty. Sometimes it’s hard, of course, but if I stay within the four corners of my mat then I’m doing okay.
Yoga is not like running. My yoga teacher said that once she figured out what she was trying to gain through running, she found the same in yoga. I’m not sure what it was – for her – but I know that yoga is balance for me. If running is about moving forward and making your body more efficient, yoga can be about undoing that focussed efficiency and learning to stand still.
I’ve been feeling really anxious lately. I waiver from feeling like I’m on red alert to wishing that there was a day I could pinpoint as a catastrophe. I often tell myself that after that one day passes I will calm down again. If I could pick a day, why wouldn’t I just pick a week ago and be done with this feeling instead?
I think my angst is the feeling of letting go. If I let go of some of these worries, will I be out of control? I mean, will I have no control over whatever I’ve decided is worrying me?
This week’s theme in yoga was the hips. A lot of stretches and poses that opened the hip, had the hip aligned in its socket, and letting go of gripping and not trying to muscle through on strength. The hips store a lot of emotions. Our instructor said that often people do these poses and then wonder why they are so angry after a yoga class. I got out of the class feeling shaky. I wondered if I would punch the next person I saw and then maybe offer to help take their groceries to their car.
Emotions can erupt in us without warning. There is not one particular thing or emotion I am feeling. It is not related to a specific day or cause. It is the stuff I pack away and don’t want to deal with, the crap I do better without.
My hips let me see a little of that scramble I’ve stored. It is there for me to acknowledge and accept, to move forward and through. I didn’t punch anyone after yoga (though I think I drive home faster than usual), nor did I extend anyone any specific kindness. I did accept that there is junk I keep hidden and it is exhausting.
I hope next week we work on something different.