The theme this week has been driving and hairspray.
I haven’t had time to blog.
My daughter had two dress rehearsals and then two dance performances this week. All of this involved costumes, makeup, and a lot of ponytails with hairspray. I felt so 1980s actually spraying my daughter’s hair. Does anyone actually still use hairspray? She danced one number in each of the performances, but etiquette dictated that she stay for the entire performance. All Saturday she was inside a theatre — I just had to do a lot of taxiing to and from.
It was a good distraction from the rest of my week. I was running less and trying to rest more in preparation for the weekend’s half marathon race. This is not as easy as one might think. The break was much-needed, but mentally I wondered if I should be running instead of napping. Could I get in one more run to hopefully go a little faster in my race?
More is not better. Knowing how much of something to do is a fine balance. I hired a coach to take care of this for me: he figures it out, tells me what to do, and then I do it. I may still struggle and fight my internal Napoleon, but I am learning to also trust the process.
My feelings flip-flopped between excitement and nerves all weekend. I wanted to run the race and have the experience and test myself. Then part of me would say I didn’t want to do it, didn’t care, and my results were irrelevant. Who cared if I had trained for the last 4 months for this? Did I really want to put myself through the physical and mental struggle it may entail?
Of course, I did do it. Part of being compulsive and determined means you will also go and do even if all of you resists. I ran through the rain, I endured, I suffered, and I excelled. I figured out how to calm myself down and keep going. I learned how my only critic (my inner doubt) is a strength when I allow it to join me in the process. I worked through each fear and kept going.
My daughter danced on stage for a few hundred people. There were hundreds of people who ran the race, but my audience was just me. I was so thankful to have my coach and my family there, and to have friends both watching and running. But when you are out there you need to deal with yourself. No one else can.
My coach asked what my two possible outcomes could be on race day – my worst and best results. I had thought this through so many times my answers were instinctive. My worst fear would be not finishing the race (or having to walk because of exhaustion); my optimal hope would be to run my fastest race. As I said this I realized that these results were just two situations. How I deal with whatever situation I’m faced with is a choice I can make. The balance is in accepting what I want to have happen and allow it to be so.