I’d like to punch this day in the face. I’d punch yesterday as well, if it happened to come back.
I have been cranky and out of sorts. I thought it was because I was finally getting over my stomach flu and needing to feel normal. I was feeling antsy so I went for a run. It felt good to be moving again after almost 5 days and I didn’t feel as though I was going to keel over. Yay for feeling better! Then I started to pay attention to how I was running and got frustrated and upset that I wasn’t running fast enough and things hurt. I don’t want to hurt every time I go for a run. Stupid glute and hip pain.
I started thinking about races I have signed up for and how I don’t feel ready and how hilly the courses are. I have not trained on hills (due to my achilles injury) and I don’t feel ready. It doesn’t matter that the races are still weeks away; I am angry and frustrated that I am not ready for them today, and wasn’t ready yesterday.
I don’t know how fast I think I should be running. That’s the thing when you fight with yourself: you will never win.
I was overwhelmed with my husband needing to work more this week (international clients in town) and the kids being more temperamental. I don’t know why sometimes I can deal with things and sometimes I can’t. I’m sure everyone goes through this (women maybe more than men?), but when I am angry I am only focused on myself. Sorry, people, this is about me.
I don’t know what I want as help, or how to help myself. Distraction is good, but when I feel like I have lost control of even my own emotions not much distracts me. Remember the saying of ‘wherever you go, there you are?’ There are times when I’d like to punch that too. Or at very least somehow lobotomize from myself.
In a version of the Golden Rule we know that we should also treat ourselves like we would treat a best friend. Certainly, I would probably be a lot more patient with someone else. Likely my reasoning would be that they are someone else and not me. It is hard to be patient and tolerant with myself when I don’t hurry up and figure things out.
When I was running I was also thinking about why I have such anxiety about running races. I decided that a race (timed, recorded, and measured) reminds me of what I cannot do. I will not run “x” distance in “y” minutes, even if I try. The specifics are moot and at best debatable, but that’s not the point. If I heard anyone else say this I would honestly tell them this was a pretty stupid way of thinking, about anything. I’m sure when my coach heard this he rolled his eyes, took a deep breath, and thought: “Whaaaaaatt?”
It comes down to what running gives me and what I take away from it. I love training and feeling fit. I love that the time I put into something gives me results. I don’t know why this is not enough. I know I stick with running because it is such a challenge for me to deal with. Looking back, I have had this type of performance anxiety all my life. I am determined to get through this mental block I have about my ability and running happens to be the avenue it’s taken. I know I so easily give up on myself. I know I easily feel overwhelmed with my own pressure.
I am not the Wildebeest or the Gazelle. I’m not sure what I am. Maybe that’s the problem: I spend so much of my time convincing myself of what I am not that I can never really show myself what I am.
(Photo credit: candescent), (Photo credit: cheerfulmonk), (Photo credit: webzer)
This is a personal post for me and I debated whether I wanted this published. We each have our own issues and anxieties, which may not always make sense to someone who cannot relate or connect to the feeling. Although they don’t always make sense — even to me — these are my feelings and I own them as such. Ideally, I would like to not own these feelings for much longer because frankly this is just a tiring drag.