The kids go back to school today; the holidays are officially over. I need a vacation.
Although our holiday went smoothly — meaning I went to work for a few days here and there and my husband stayed home with the kids — I still don’t feel completely rested. Maybe it’s the knowing that this week will be bumpy as we all adjust back to our schedules, or maybe it’s knowing there are now weeks upon weeks where there are no holidays or long weekends in sight.
I went to yoga on the weekend. Our teacher spoke about the choice to do yoga. She said that when you do a practice, you commit (to yourself) to be present for the practice. I find I spend a good deal of time distracted, doing other things as avoidance, or wishing I was elsewhere. I waste a lot of time avoiding but doing nothing. So I chose to be present and it was great. I felt collected and calm and content. Of course, the teacher also mentioned that the test is not to be present just for the class. The real test begins when you get home.
I am an avoider at home too. I wish my kids could just *do* things but they need a firm example to get them started. I burn out from being the example setter after three tries. Plus I am not good with consistency. (You can guess that I was never good at baseball). I can tell one of them to go have a shower and twenty minutes later nothing has happened. I have gotten sucked into reading more blogs and one of the kids has started a three-hour board-game. I don’t reinforce and the kid has no incentive. I worry that when they move out they will not even know how to boil an egg or sort lights from darks.
My point is not to share with you about how I am a crappy parent. If I want my kids to be present, I must also inhabit that space with them. I think that happened more over the holidays. There is more time to do your own thing but to also come together and share.
When things are busy, the space feels too crowded to allow time to just be. I don’t have time to change anything and neither do the kids. But if I can stop and know that this moment is crowded it may give me some breathing room sooner. I can stop and be in that space without being responsible for it. Stopping may be easier than looking for ways to get to the next moment faster.