Growing up I imagined my adult-self to be thin, have perfect skin, and have an easy, abundant life. I also thought I would be taller.
It’s not like I changed my mind yesterday, realizing I was grown up. I didn’t drop all my hopes. In my early 20’s I was independent, self-centered (meaning I only had to take care of myself), slightly reckless, and managed my money just fine. I never had to make sacrifices or involve anyone else in my decision-making. In my solo company, I was always the smartest one. I based my ideals on my projected reality.
But I’m slowly catching on that in reality my lot in life is my own doing. Sure, there are a myriad of external factors that influence how I manage each day. But generally speaking, things have turned out as they are because of the choices I’ve made. I chose a partner, married, and had two spirited and demanding children. Given their genetics, how silly of me to think they would turn out any other way.
Life is what you make it. Apart from the internal chaos and deep currents of Sad I sometimes wade through, I’m ever grateful for my partner who supports me and puts up with me. Honestly, I really picked well for my neurosis. So I wondered what else I could choose in my life to make things easier.
I could combat mild phobias, redo awkward situations, transform appearances (physical and related to dirty dishes), and disarm my kids in both volume and tantrum-throwing. Why couldn’t I choose some super powers to aid my daily mess?
I present to you five super powers for my daily survival. I even gave them names:
Nora Stand-in is the ability to self-replicate to attend social obligations. Bake sales, Girl Guide fundraisers, office gatherings, visiting relatives, and the like are not on my list of functions I am even remotely drawn to. I’d chose having chicken pox over voluntary attendance. I’m not good at small talk and I’m not good at looking interested. Often I have a look of displeasure and constipation on my face. I don’t ‘flow’ in these situations very well, but after my power of Nora Stand-in I wouldn’t have to.
Lady KickAss is the super power of telepathy (with optional time delay). Often I find myself ruminating about a past conversation where I wish I had been quick enough to have the perfect response. This super power would not only allow me the telepathic ability to know what the person is going to say next, but the time-delay to get the perfect zinger to end the stalemate of ridiculousness.
Captain OverTones would be the name I’d give to the power of the sonic scream. This is the ability to scream louder than the human voice ever can. I would readily use this to overpower my children when they are nattering, whining, complaining, yelling, or generally being more vocal than my ear drums can handle. I think this super power should also render everyone slightly inoperable, like a short period of being stunned before coming back to full consciousness with no recollection of what just happened in the previous 5 minutes.
Queen Brava is the super power of invisibility. This one is pretty self-explanatory; how many times could I have avoided awkward situations, unwanted company, or demanding children — if I was just not there? Never mind that it could be also used to spy on annoying neighbours or *really* be a Secret Santa.
Lady HairyLocks would be the super power of prehensile / animated hair. I could lengthen my hair at will to deal with mess and chaos. I used to have a theory (before kids) that as soon as you tidied a space the Universe would conspire against you to recreate the previous messy “balance” as quickly as possible. After I had kids I clued in that the Universe uses children as its instrument of delivery. With Lady HairyLocks kicked in I would grow a mane of incredible length, which I could then whip back and forth to deal with the crap.
I don’t think it’s too much to ask, or chose, to have these simple powers. They could all seem pretty common-place in a world that is so crazy as is. I mean, no one is actually going to question specifics. They are just going to admire me for seeming to manage the things some of us would rather delegate.