Most men, at some point in their lives, consider the family way. It’s not the same as it is with women who have hormones rushing around, emit high-pitched squeals when they see someone who is wee and toothless, and label any apparel the size of their purse “impossibly cute.” Men have simpler needs: a carbon copy of themselves while they still look good.
Men want to have a little Michelangelo, Adele, or Wolfgang running around. It’s important to impart fatherly advice, revel in your last name being transferred on to another driver’s license, and hope that eventually a little one can help you pay off your own mortgage.
Not every man, or woman, acts on this urge to procreate. And good thing, because we are overrun with crowded spaces as it is. Even in Canada, where you can see nothing but seals and polar bears as far as the bend on the horizon, you will still bump into your neighbour. And they are probably related to you. Enough already.
However once the business of babies is taken care of, for men there is the other taking-care-of to deal with. This is not to do with raising your offspring, but rather modifying one’s plumbing to cease the flow of possibilities. In the industry, this is known as the vasectomy. Men sit around a room waiting for a 10 minute procedure. They cross their legs or keep their knees together, they hold a magazine in front of their genitals, and they fluff themselves up mentally, as though they are displaying magnificent peacock plumage that only other men can see. It’s not that they will be less of a man but that they are in a room with perfect strangers who are doing the same thing. It is the discomfort of the idea of men bonding at a sausage party.
Women have a slightly different process that may foretell the vasectomy. Similar in name, women experience a vagectomy. This is when something is ejected out of a woman’s vagina with such force it’s like a watermelon being blasted out a hole the size of a juicy plum. Women anticipate this, have no real desire to know the logistics of the situation, yet anticipate the love of a small being at the end of the plum hole experience. In industry terms, this is also known as the birth.
Both experiences occur in generally sterile environments with minimal conversation. They are relatively simple procedures having occurred for many generations. Like with anything there can be variables and discomfort, though with time memories fade and our experience makes for good stories to share at a heavily-sauced family gathering.
While the man’s experience is a more permanent denial to creation, women may also feel as though this ‘blast’ is enough to not ever want to be caught in these circumstances again. For a man and a woman, having a child induces them into another realm of reality that they had only dreamed of treading. Little do they know of the sleepless nights, unanswerable questions, smells, and lack of adult conversation or cohesion that will follow.
As parental wits regain focus our choices are more clear. Even if we just want to break a branch off our lineage tree, there are options. A vasectomy is a manly way of dealing with the gems of the crown jewels. Should this scare you in knowing what you have to endure, please also consider that watching a vagectomy may make a small cool snip the easier of your dichotomies.
(Photo credit: Thomas Fisher Rare Book Library), (Photo credit: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com), (Photo credit: jonlarge)