No compassion

Peace is creeping in.

I’ve been hanging on to an expectation of change. People would change, circumstances would change — and ping! things would be as I expected them to be. Of course, change is our constant; the mistake I made was my focus on a situation rather than a feeling. Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person.

I was hoping that the universe would conspire to have people be as I wanted them to be, to create the feelings of freedom, security, acceptance that I wanted. The Universe got me the feelings: they were feelings of hoping. These people could not give me anything I could not give myself, they were just standing in the way to see if I really wanted to choose. Did I want this personal success or to hang on to a projection of an idea?

So much of me told me these people were not what I wanted: that I would not be fulfilled with them, that their ideas were not what I found supportive for my own life, that it was too much of a game to be involved in these relationships. But I hung on, angrily, thinking that what was once could be again, that people would see their insecurities and blindness and get back to reality. They would stop lying to themselves, stop lying to me.

Finally, I stopped rationalizing. I stopped thinking. I stopped being so mental. I stopped judging and waiting and holding on to second chances.  I let it be. I let it go. I gave up on those needs. I did not have to wish these people well or say I was “happy” for them, I did not have to say goodbye. It did not matter if they did not change, because I did.

I could feel relief flooding in, I could feel ease, and I have more gratitude for what I do have.

Every day is a little easier. There is no finish line. Sometimes it takes experience to feel compassion. Peace is creeping in.


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