If you read this blog even once you’d likely guess that I run. I have a lot of anxiety related to running so have started to see a counselor/sports psychologist to help me clean out some of the backlog in my head.
As we process and work through the way I think and so
me many of my anxieties, I see it’s not all running-related. I knew this: if I didn’t run the performance pressures, comparisons, judgements, and challenge of self-acceptance would show up somewhere else. What I didn’t realize is that it is EVERYWHERE else. While some days I feel more relaxed, calm, open, mindful, and present in my running, I see how much *I* affect the rest of my life. I just don’t stop and it’s hard to dial down the way I am.
It’s hard to live with (me) and I certainly can understand why people who feel this way would turn to alternate substances to change their state of mind. As a personal choice, I don’t drink. I did drink in my 20’s and honestly now believe this is the only way I got through that time in my life. I have a lot of running ahead of me to learn to deal with the way I’ve conditioned myself.
I also have some letting go and re-organizing to do. I just got back from a chat with my counselor and I see how much I have construed my reality. I see where I have missed positively constructing how I would like things to be, and instead pieced together my misinterpretations and fears. My core beliefs have tainted how I live today. Tonight, I will go gentle into that good night. Sometimes it’s okay to change.