I have an image in my head from the movie “The Truman Show.” It is when Truman tries to leave his ‘world’ (the movie is about a character who is unknowingly filmed 24/7 as a TV show) by sailing away. He is on a little boat, sailing into the blue sky, when he bumps up against the edge of the sky/set. I often think of this image. It is my visual representation of the thought: is this all there is?
I have had some horrible and very violent dreams lately. People were physically attacking each other, I’m being chased by monsters, or horrible crimes were committed. My brain is spewing out anger. I don’t like horror movies. I don’t like slasher flicks or thrillers. I am still debating whether I am scarred for watching Poltergeist in Grade 2 when I was at a friend’s house for a sleep-over. That was my first and only one of two horror films I’ve ever watched. I like to keep my world under control; I don’t need that stimulus or fear added in.
I’ve struggled lately. I’m frustrated, lacking motivation. I am emotionally tired.
I don’t think I am the only one. I have read blogs and talked to others about this very thing. People are struggling, but it also means people are changing. It is not the same-old, same-old – even if we can’t identify it or see the end – because things are not the same. There is a shift going on, and we are not isolated in our experience.
I wonder if I knew how things would end if I would relax more along the way. If I knew that whatever I did it was always the right choice: I would get to where I needed no matter what, would I feel more trusting and safe and content? The obvious answer is yes. The more obvious question is why I can’t allow myself to trust and believe in this perspective.
The reason is that no one likes bad news. Even if I knew I could prepare for something that was unwanted, I would always choose avoidance and pick a happier/easier distraction. If I knew that something that I resisted was for the greater good of my being and everyone’s experience, then would I choose it? I may be hard pressed to convince my rational, logical, and earthy mind of this.
I think we crave and strive for ease, but maybe the problem is that we don’t know what this really is. Buddhist philosophy believes that “all life is suffering.” If I could also believe this, I could also appreciate and accept that anything that came my way was just a part of life. There may not be as many highs and lows in my perspective on what I was experiencing .
This week I have felt a shift. My running has gotten easier, I have relaxed a little more, and I am more present. Maybe the phase of the moon has shifted or maybe I have let go of something. My perspective shifted a little and even if I don’t know the reason, it is worth noticing.
(Photo credit: davidhofmann08)